...and it hurts.
It bothers me to the core. I don't know why, it just does. I think it would for anyone in my situation.
I have been going at this diet plan for three weeks and if I can just triumph over one more week, it will be a habit, right? A good habit. One that will totally be well worth the success. But, it hurts. The process just plain hurts.
Going to gatherings are the hardest. It seems like we have one every.single.day. Okay, maybe I am exaggerating because that is really the way I feel. Church events, pool parties, birthday parties, family events... it's the summer time. Everyone has something going on and every.single.something has food involved.
"I just wanted a hot dog!" I frustratedly told my husband yesterday through a fit of tears. He responded with the true statement that "I thought you could have a hot dog."
He only wants to help, I know.
"But, I wanted the WHOLE hotdog, with the bun, ketchup, chili, and chips on the side. I wanted a slice of cookie cake and some ice cream. I just don't understand how some can eat all of that and not gain a pound, but I have to struggle. I have to restrict myself to a measley plain hotdog that is DIPPED in about a 1/2 tablespoon of chili! What kind of eating is that?!?!"
I just cried. He didn't know what to say and the silence was okay. Sometimes I just need to get the rage out. It isn't fair. AT ALL!
I felt horrible for feeling miserable at the party yesterday. The host of the party knew I wasn't myself. I explained it away with an headache (which I really did have). But, she did ask me on more than one occassion if I was doing alright. I fought back tears. Celebrating a birthday is a wonderful event, and I was in the corner looking up at the sky, hoping the tears wouldn't fall. Because, it is physically impossible to cry looking up.
Maybe a lot of this hurting is because I am an emotional eater. As I am fighting back tears of disappointment because I want to do good and restrict the foods that I need to, my mind is telling me that I will find comfort in that food. It will make me feel better. It will be all better.
but it won't!
One day soon, I know that I will look back on the accomplishment of being able to conquer the desire for food. For comfort food. I was able to sit back last night and reflect on the day and reward my heart for not falling into the trap of my tears and eating a slice of cookie cake. I need to remind myself to hold the daily accomplishments close as they will be so helpful in this
battle goal, I am working on. But again, the process is so tough.